Howdy race fans,
Gene Haas speaking to you live from Haas Racing Global World Headquarters here in beautiful Cussenfurker County, North Carolina. Proudly celebrating 14 less raccoon attacks than last month.
So as y’all limey ass Yuropeens may have heard in your fancy pants reading sheets and moveable type machines, Haas is comin’ to kick your carbonated water drinkin’ asses six ways to Tuesday in what you pansies call The Formoola One World Series. Hells yeah.
Previouswhiles, people be sayin’ we wastin’ our time. Hell son, if I wanted to waste away some time I’d sit on the stoop with a cool, strong Bud Light and my squirrel cannon. An’ that ain’t happenin’. Not until tonite.
Meanwhiletimes, let me tell you, Haas is serious about this One Formula and to prove it, I’m proud to announce we jus’ made a deal with the Ferrari organization of Italyland for the supply of their mighty fine V8 -2 engines and pinko ass socialist electricalicity motors. Whoop yaaaa.
See, originallywhiles we was gonna jus’ use some of the regular non-homo motors we got out the back of the shop. Maybe pick a couple of the blocks that ain’t got so many bite marks in ‘em, strap ‘em in the chassis and we’s good to go. But see, my new buddy L’il Bernie say that ain’t gonna work. An’ whatever L’il Bernie says, Gene Haas ain’t gonna argue cuz see, Bernie got a lot of Gene’s money now. Also Bernie reminds Gene of that weird-ass manchild creature that used to come out of the woods at night when he was a young ‘un and suckle fluids out of the cattle.
So anywayses, L’il Bernie puts Gene in touch with some of these salad eating, upright walking freaks at places like Mo-seedeez and such but those wuss-ass five-toed pansies ain’t bringing their ropes to the lynchin’. But that don’t matter to old Gene here ‘cuz then these dudes in sunglasses turns up and they be all Italian and stuff. An’ this one dude, he says some stuff in Italian that sound like, ‘You canna hava de engine foe almosta no-a money becausa it be sheet’ and that be good enough for ol’ Gene. We’s landed a deal with those swell guys at Marenallow and got ourselves a Ferrari, the Cadillac of motors. That thing be the best goddam engine on the whole of Fomulation Series One grid. Least, that’s what I’m guessin’
You pinko Commie Euro bastards better watch out ‘cuz the United States Of Kiss My Butt is comin’ to show you how auto racing should be done and you better believerate it cuz now we got the race winning power of the Dancin’ Hoss. Yup, as my daddy always told me, son, you really put the ass in Haas.