Jaguar shows XE safety

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XE back, yesterday
XE back, yesterday

Jaguar last night announced its new XE saloon and gave a dramatic live demonstration of its safety credentials by staging a simply enormous car crash.

The car crash took place in front of an audience of 3000 people and lasted for over two hours, although those who were there say it felt like ‘a lot, lot longer’.

‘I couldn’t look and yet I couldn’t look away,’ admitted one guest. ‘It actually made me feel a bit sick, especially the awful shattering of John Hannah’s credibility.’

Other celebrities were more fortunate, however. Although the car crash was unprecedented in size, length and terribleness, experts say the singer Emeli Sande was able to step from the wreckage with her career mostly undamaged.

‘I can’t stop thinking about the car crash,’ said another onlooker. ‘In particular, the awful sound. I think I heard someone refer to it as “acting” but that can’t be right.’

Sources say some of the noise continued long after the car crash was over but this later turned out to be people from Audi, BMW and Mercedes howling with laughter.