Marchionne to become Pope

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A mad person, yesterday
A mad person, yesterday

Fiat Group boss Sergio Marchionne is to become the supreme leader of the Catholic church following his decision to allow Pope Francis to ‘step down’.

The FCA leader and the current pontiff are said to have disagreed over Marchionne’s ideas for the church, based around aggressive expansion in ‘emerging markets’ and thousands of new churches based on the Fiat 500L platform.

‘At the moment there are about 1.2 billion Catholics in the world but Marchionne wants to expand that to 5 billion within four years,’ said industry analyst Ian Dustreanalist. ‘It’s ambitious, deranged and also more realistic than his plan to sell 400,000 Alfas by 2018.’

A spokesman for Pope Francis said the outgoing Bishop of Rome was ‘delighted’ to be ‘stepping down’ and was ‘looking forward to spending more time with his famil… no, wait, not that.’

A statement from FCA headquarters said Marchionne had bought a special papal woolly sweater and was working on new plans to integrate Fiat and Roman Catholicism so that he could more easily spew out years and years of bullshit about them whilst seemingly making no progress whatsoever.