Ask A Total Prick Columns

The return of Ask a Total Prick From An Internet Forum

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TPFAIF_4Your questions answered by an online titwhisk who wouldn’t dare speak like this in real life

Dear Total Prick From An Internet Forum,
I’ve read reviews of the new Porsche Cayman GTS in several car magazines and it sounds brilliant. Do you think it would make a good replacement for my BMW Z4M?
Nick, London

Total Prick From An Internet Forum replies…
This is a joke, right? Don’t you know all car magazines are paid off by Porsche to say their – awful IMHO – cars are brilliant. This is a fact. They know nothing except where their next fat pay-off from a German car company is coming from. This has been proven time and time again. If you want further proof of how little so-called professional car journalists know, I once read one of them describing the Honda Civic Type-S as ‘disappointing’. I’ve owned my HCTS for over four years now and not once have I been ‘disappointed’. It’s simply the best car I have ever owned. End of.

Dear Total Prick From An Internet Forum,
After watching Chris Harris’s video review of the BMW M235i I’m seriously considering one. Am I mad?
Hem, Leeds

Total Prick From An Internet Forum replies…
Are you mad? No, you’re an idiot. Don’t you know that Harris, like all car journalists, is paid off by BMW and VW and Porsche to say good things about their (woeful) cars. You should also know he can’t drive. Fact. If you believe anything any car journalist says then, no offence, you’re more stupid than you sound. Seriously, I’ve done over three track days and I’d like to see these so-called ‘experts’ keep up with a well driven HCTS, never mind write something other than blatant lies and total rubbish about it whilst staying in a five star hotel at someone else’s expense. They couldn’t. Simple as.

Dear Total Prick From An Internet Forum,
Thanks for your latest submission. As I explained earlier in the year, we’re not looking for new writers at the moment and, if I may be totally honest, your copy is probably a little ‘unpolished’ for us. Thanks for bearing AutoMotoringCar in mind all the same.
All the best,
Pete Hampson, AutoMotoringCar magazine

Total Prick From An Internet Forum replies…
I have more articles. I can send them to you or maybe give you a link to my blog. It’s a sideways glance at the world of motoring! I think you’ll really like it! Please read it. Please.