Honda has announced a radical new anti-theft system, dubbed Security Enhanced Neuro Intelligence Locking Electronics or SENILE.
The highly advanced system works using a number of sensors, starting with one in the rooflining which looks for hair that is grey or completely absent. If its readings do not match these parameters the engine will not start.
The hair sensor compares its readings with another sensor in the seats which looks for a slow, arthritic entry to the car and scans for a faint smell of piss.
The final component of the system is a sensor within the pedal box that will not allow the car to set off unless the engine is revved far too much and the clutch slipped to the point of melting. This works in league with external sensors that alert the police if the car is not almost immediately scraped into another car or low wall and then continues without the driver noticing.
‘This new system acts as if it is at one with our customers,’ said a Honda spokesman. ‘SENILE is the typical Honda driver. And the typical Honda driver is SENILE.’