There was outrage in F1 today as bosses discovered that Esteban Gutierrez hasn’t taken part in a race for two months.
‘This anomaly came to light during routine checks,’ explained an FIA insider. ‘It seems Gutierrez turns up on a Sunday, minces about a bit in his Nomex on the grid, then just before the race starts he puts on a trenchcoat and sneaks off into the crowd, perfectly disguised as a French lesbian.’
The extraordinary Gutierrazian skiving was thought to be a cost saving measure from Sauber whose financial difficulties have seen team rations cut to 11 Toblerones per person per day. However, it now seems the Mexican driver’s failure to compete in the last five races is actually some sort of protest from Gutierrez himself.
‘Esteban is sick of being ignored,’ said a source close to the driver. ‘He feels he doesn’t get any respect or attention from the team. His name was spelt wrong on the their official entry, on two occasions they’ve tried to send him out in a car that hasn’t got an engine, and he’s pretty sure at least three members of senior management think his name is Ken. So he’s been sneaking off before each race and sure enough, no one has noticed.’
Gutierrez’s absence from every race since Singapore raises questions as to how his name remained on F1’s official results tables. ‘Ah, yes, that is a bit embarrassing,’ admitted an F1 insider. ‘It seems we just assumed we’d missed him so after the chequered flag we hastily put him down in a plausible position, usually 13th. It didn’t occur to us that he hadn’t been in the race at all. Although it would explain why he hasn’t been seen or mentioned on TV coverage recently. Or, come to think of it, ever.’