While firms like Singer and Eagle enjoy success sympathetically modernising old sports cars, a British company is now offering to do the exact opposite, promising ‘all the appearance of 1914 with all the features also of 1914’.
The Morgan Motor Company of Malvern says it specialises in providing a level of comfort and convenience ‘similar to having rickets’.
Speaking exclusively to Sniff Petrol via electromagnetic telephonogram, Morgan’s general supervisor of works Reginald Scrimshaw explained how their philosophy works: ‘Now look here,’ he said. ‘Our chaps eschew the undesirable elements of the modern motoring car such as a metal structure and a roof, replacing them with proper materials such as wooden beams, horse wefts and wattle.’
‘Stop slouching boy,’ Mr Scrimshaw continued. ‘Our drawing office also insists on the banishment of needless on-board devices such as the radiogram and the ducted warmth system, though if the customer so desires their motor carriage can be installed with appropriate alternatives such as an harpist and an hearth.’
However, Mr Scrimshaw adds that customers unwilling to indulge in the full Edwardian experience will be given the option to specify their car with ‘modern options’ such as ‘electrical lamps, speed reportation dial, and relatively little cholera.’
Conversely, buyers with deeper pockets may wish to delve into the authentically unmodernised options menu to select items such as leather tyres, hand operated brakes and a snub nosed ‘car orphan’ who lives in the boot and regularly pops out to clean your goggles with a rag.
Furthermore, every car is equipped as standard with advanced features such as pipe holder, moustache cloth and driving monocle. ‘These are mere essentials,’ Mr Scrimshaw insisted. ‘We are not savages. For heaven’s sake, I will not tell you again, STOP MUMBLING.’
The Morgan unmodernised range goes on sale yesterday.