World’s worst spy to return

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Bond's new undercover car, yesterday
Bond’s new undercover car, yesterday

James Bond will return to cinema screens next year for his 24th film adventure, Spectre, in which he will once again prove that he is the world’s shittest secret agent by turning up at places in an extremely rare Aston Martin.

‘Bond films are all about excitement, glamour and heroism,’ said Bond franchise spokesperson Liz Andlettdye. ‘But most of all, they are about a man who’s supposed to be covert fetching up right outside the chief baddy’s house in a really conspicuous sports car, the daft wazzock.’

Bond fans across the world were excited by today’s announcement not only of the film’s title and cast, but also of the Brit spy’s brand new Aston DB10. ‘The latest car is a masterstroke,’ said 007 superfan Hugh Tooakil. ‘It wouldn’t be a Bond movie without the chance for James to embark on an undercover mission in an unbelievably noisy and attention grabbing vehicle that will immediately make him a target for his enemies, the dozy twat.’

However, with filming yet to start, many details about the new movie are still under wraps; ‘There are still plenty of questions about Spectre still to be answered,’ notes unofficial Bond historian Thespioo Lovedmee. ‘For example, how a civil servant can afford an Aston Martin, and why the bad guys haven’t immediately spotted him roaring about the place like a silly tit and simply shot the fucker in the face before he can get up to any more shenanigans.’