McLaren is taking ‘a long time’ to decide between Jenson Button and Ken Magnussen, according to a gestating baby elephant Sniff Petrol spoke to yesterday. ‘God, I thought I was taking ages,’ the in-utero pachyderm said. ‘But I look like I’m rushing things compared to a bunch of boring, indecisive men in a grey room near Woking.’
Quick to agree with the gestating elephant was popular band The Stone Roses. ‘Fook me,’ said lead singer Ian Brown, speaking from inside his five bedroom parka jacket in Altrincham. ‘In the time it’s taking them to make a fooking decision we could have recorded our second album. And released it. And had people say it was disappointing. That’s how fooking long McLaren are taking. Fook.’
‘Man, they’re taking a long time,’ agreed manky looking Guns ‘n’ Roses frontman Axl Rose, chewing on a snake. ‘Are they firing their whole band, falling out with their label, blowing millions of dollars in studio time, and recording the album Chinese Democracy, or are they just deciding between two fucking guys?’
‘It’s certainly taking them a long time,’ noted a probe passing through deep space in order to intercept a comet. ‘In fact, the guys at mission control are taking bets. Will McLaren actually make their mind up before I arrive on the comet. I’m not a betting probe, but a four million mile journey through space seems like a rush job compared to some tedious men procrastinating in Surrey.’
‘Oh my God, why is this taking so long?’ said a glacier. ‘Why can’t the useless dullards just make up their fucking minds?’
CORRECTION: This story wrongly attributes one of its quotes to ‘a glacier’. This should of course have read ‘Jenson Button’.