Following news that Franck Montagny has tested positive for cocaine, Formula E has decided to take a strong stance on drugs by insisting that all other drivers are off their faces on illegal stimulants.
‘Formula E is not like other race series,’ insisted spokesman Pablo Esbocar. ‘Our cars run on a different fuel, our tracks are built in cities and, from now on, everyone on track will be totally mashed off their swede on high grade shit. Top one. Sorted.’
Under the new drugs policy, as every driver comes in for their mandated car swap, they will also pause at the mandated ‘gear stop’ at which they will huff on a crack pipe or perhaps guzzle down some powerful space cakes.
As an added gimmick, TV viewers will be able to use social media to vote for one driver to receive a ‘fanboost’, which in this case means a pre-arranged amount of cocaine fired directly up their nostrils as they drive.
‘Imagine the unexpected excitement of the final lap when the lead driver suddenly gets the fear and pulls over to curl up into a ball,’ Mr Esbocar suggested. ‘Or perhaps the second place person’s trip goes bad, he believes the car behind him has teeth and he deliberately veers off the track into a tyre wall which he believes to be made of marshmallow and his mum’s face.’
‘This will really put the E into Formula E,’ Esbocar continued. ‘And who knows, it might make the racing interesting for a change.’