Cars to look forward to in 2015 – part 1

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2015 promises to be a bumper year for new cars. Here are some forthcoming models to look forward to in the coming year of 2015 this year, 2015. Year.

2015lookahead_rollerskatesAlfa Romeo has been working on a 159-replacement for over 40 years and the car will finally make its debut this year, pending cancellation. ‘Contrary to rumours, the car will not be badged Giulia,’ a spokesman confirmed. ‘We wanted a new name that will really sum up what this car is about after such a long wait, so it will be called the Disappointamente.’

West Country tubing enthusiasts Ariel are on a roll at the moment and in 2015 will reveal a new sports car that promises to be their most minimalist to date. According to an insider, the secret car is ‘basically a pair of rollerskates, a couple of front wheels you hold with your hands, and an engine in a rucksack’. Following the Atom, the new model  also needed a name starting with A and will be called the Aaaaaaaaaaargh.

In a radical move, Audi is to replace the A4, A6 and A8 with a single model called the Audi A which boasts a telescopic central section ‘like an accordion’.  At the time of purchase, the buyer simply selects how long they would like their Audi to be and the dealer can adjust it to suit. ‘Merging the A4, A6 and A8 is made possible only by next generation platform sharing,’ said an insider. ‘And because they all look the same anyway.’

2015lookahead_CasiowatchBentley will move even more upmarket in 2015 with the launch of a new model called the Mulsanne Insensitive which is entirely covered in diamonds and features an external speaker system which openly mocks the poor. Rumours suggest Kanye West has already put his name down for two, fitted with leather wheels.

BMW is to continue its deranged pursuit of new niches with the launch of the brand new iXZ5d hybrid crossover side-wheel-drive activity something something versatile. ‘We have no idea what this is supposed to be,’ said a spokesman. ‘And frankly, we’re scared.’

2015 will be a year of ever-growing connectivity and the inexorable march of The Internet Of Things. One car maker which won’t be left behind is Caterham which is set to reveal a radically high tech model called the i-Seven. ‘This car will offer technology never seen before on a Caterham,’ revealed a company source. ‘That’s right, it has a digital clock.’

Citroen is to build on the success of its Picasso range with the announcement of the C4 Van Gogh which will come with a sense of unbearable sadness and one door mirror missing.

2015lookahead_cupofteaContinuing their reputation for value, Dacia will launch a new super spartan small car to sit below the Sandero, called the Dacia Dismal. Entry level model, the Dismal Despair, features one missing door and no floor.

Worried that it will scare off its traditional fan base with the hardcore Civic Type-R and NSX, Honda is to launch a new, extra comfy version of the Jazz which comes with a doilies on the headrests and a cup of tea holder. The new model will be called the Type-Ahhhhhhh.

One of the growing trends of 2015 will be autonomous vehicles and Jaguar will be following this fashion with a concept prototype which allows the driver to sit back and relax while an extremely lugubrious novelist steers them to their destination. The Jaguar Will Self Driving car will be revealed in March.