Motorsport News

F1 team bosses demand fairness

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Christian Horner, yesterday
Christian Horner, yesterday

Rival F1 team bosses have today issued an extraordinary request to be allowed to spend the night with Christian Horner’s fiancé.

The remarkable ‘indecent proposal’ follows Horner’s complaints about the disparity in performance between Mercedes and other engines, including the Renault MalheureusementTech unit used by Red Bull. ‘You don’t hear Christian complaining about how many Spice Girls he gets to see in the buff do you?’ grumbled one anonymous team principal. ‘Well the rest of us aren’t happy about it and we believe the FIA should intervene to level the playing field between those of us who get to bump their bits against a Wannabe hit maker and those of us who don’t’.

The disgruntled team bosses have yet to outline how exactly they would implement a plan to ensure everyone had a fair crack at getting jiggy with a Spice Girl, especially since it might require buy-in from other former members of the hit girl group. ‘We’d definitely look at getting in the other Spice Girls, for the good of the sport,’ said one insider. ‘And dividing them up could be easier than you think, especially as Peter Sauber said he’d even consider an evening of zig-a-zig-ah with Sporty Spice and ‘wouldn’t kick her out of bed for singing one of her solo records’.’

The efforts to divide Spice Girls between team bosses in the name of ‘fairness’ is further simplified by the exemption of Claire Williams, who wasn’t part of discussions as she was hosting a charity bake sale that day, and Monisha Kaltenborn, who should not be allowed near any ‘90s pop stars in case she accidentally promises them a drive.