Clarkson to be made patron saint of morons

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Jeremy Clarkson, yesterday
Jeremy Clarkson, yesterday

There was brighter news for bad trousered assault enthusiast Jeremy Clarkson today as a high ranking member of the church moved to make him patron saint of all morons.

‘It’s unusual to canonise someone when they’re still alive,’ said leading bishop Leigh Dingbishop. ‘But having looked at the internet, it’s clear there are a lot of morons, fuckwits and utter bellends who would appreciate having a figurehead, if only their grunting, inarticulate stupidity allowed them to express such a desire.’

The church is thought to have proposed Clarkson for this prestigious role since he already commands a great deal of respect from the kind of low browed, mouth breathing idiot who would happily sign a petition endorsing their boss’s right to punch them in the mouth.

‘We just hope that Jeremy is receptive to Leigh’s proposal,’ said a Church of England insider. ‘Although, given his recent form, we fear he might bash the bishop.’