Lotus to produce turd

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An massive turd, yesterday
An massive turd, yesterday

In a shock move, Lotus has revealed plans to produce a massive turd.

‘Everyone else is making turds. I saw a dog producing one only this morning,’ said company boss Jean-Marc Gales-Bahar. ‘Now Lotus will make a big steaming turd too, because it is only right that we slavishly copy other people and assume that this will work.’

‘Don’t worry, the Lotus turd will truly be a Lotus as well as a turd,’ Mr Gales-SwizzBeatz continued. ‘For example, it will be extremely light for the size of turd and I believe we can achieve this by eating a lot of Quavers.’

Lotus is said to be straining to produce the turd as quickly as possible and to make this possible, the turd may rely on input from Lotus parent company Proton. ‘It makes total sense to use Proton know-how in our turd,’ admitted Mr Gales-RandomCelebritiesAtAMotorShow. ‘After all, they’ve been curling out shit for years.’