New Alfa promises unmatched disappointment

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The Alfa Giulia, yesterday
The Alfa Giulia, yesterday

Alfa Romeo has announced its new Giulia saloon with the promise that it will offer ‘unmatched levels of disappointingness’.

‘The Germans have design and efficiency,’ said Alfa spokesman Alf Erspokesman. ‘But only Alfa Romeo has that unique quality of making you really, really hope it’s good and then finding out that somehow it’s not. In Italian we call it, disappointamenteness.’

Sources say the company has worked tirelessly to make sure this vital new model is as disappointing as possible, with special attention paid to making sure the driving position isn’t quite right, some of the minor controls feel a bit cheap, and the suspension appears to have been developed exclusively on roads without bumps on them. Or corners.

‘We have one chance to get this right and we must win over new customers instantly,’ Mr Erspokesman explained. ‘That’s why, from the very first time the Giulia grinds its undertray on a speed bump, you will know there is something disappointingly half-arsed about it in that way only an Alfa can be.’

The Giulia will go on sale later this year under the slogan, Scusate, abbiamo pensato che questo sarebbe bene or ‘Sorry, we really thought this one would be good’.