EPA to crack down on Vin Diesel

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Vin Diesel, yesterday
Vin Diesel, yesterday

The American Environmental Protection Agency is to investigate actor Vin Diesel after independent tests showed that he has emitted up to three times the safe number of shitty Fast & Furious movies.

‘Under EPA rules, an actor may release one or two Fast & Furious movies, as long as these are in line with strict laws governing areas such as a cogent story and car chases that aren’t so idiotic they might as well take place on the fucking moon,’ said an agency spokesman. ‘Unfortunately, when an independent laboratory tested Vin Diesel, they discovered several times the permitted number of Fast & Furious movies containing elements that could be especially harmful to the young, such as a completely unrealistic number of gearchanges and a plot that makes no fucking sense whatsoever.’

The EPA is yet to announce how it might tackle the Vin Diesel issue, but one option would be to declare a recall on every Fast & Furious movie, forcing producers to take back the films and modify them so that the action scenes obey some basic laws of physics and the dialogue resembles something that normal human beings might say and not the eye-wateringly painful gruntings of an emotionally stunted 12 year old.