Britain’s last petrol station closes

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An petrol station, yesterday
An petrol station, yesterday

There was trouble for motorists today as the very last petrol station in Britain closed down.

In line with the laws governing petrol station closure, the site will be stripped of its signage so that it can stand derelict for two years before being demolished, leaving a fenced off patch of waste ground for a further five years until someone finally uses the land to build a small block of flats.

News that they have closed Britain’s very last petrol station came as a shock to the corporation that owns it. ‘Over the last 10 years we’ve been closing down all our petrol stations as quickly and inconveniently as possible but didn’t realise the others were doing that too,’ said a spokesman. ‘God, I hope no one needs to inaccurately check their tyre pressures or badly vacuum out their car any time soon.’

The decline that has seen every single petrol station in Britain close, become waste ground and then, eventually, some flats is blamed on many factors including more fuel efficient cars, declining interest in having your paint covered in tiny parallel scratches by an enormous rotating brush, and dwindling demand for low quality porno mags.

The loss of Britain’s last petrol station leaves a major problem for anyone with a car, except for owners of the new Volkswagen Passat TDI which its makers claim will do ‘one million miles per gallon’. ‘No, sorry, we meant 42.7,’ said a spokesman shortly before resigning.