A new business has been announced today which lovingly creates shabby old Citroen H Vans out of twee mobile coffee outlets and Cotswold artisan bread shop delivery vehicles.
Known as H Vandals, the new firm is the brainchild of Lysander Adipose who says he had the idea after returning from a holiday in France and paying £6.50 for a black coffee served by a gap year twat on a London street corner. ‘I had noticed a new trend for rural French farmers and builders to use scruffy Citroen H Vans to run their businesses,’ Mr Adipose explains. ‘I thought I could tap into that market and luckily I found a rich seam of twee mobile hot drinks outlets and horribly smug travelling butchers whose ruined vans we could buy and convert from cloying, self-consciously retro shite into rusty, filthy transport for French people with proper jobs.’
H Vandals has already delivered its first lovingly de-restored van to a plumber just outside Rouen and is now combing British towns and cities looking for an insufferably contrived organic burger van or deeply annoying specialist cheese outlet which it can rescue, un-ruin and deliver to a walnut faced man who sells bric-a-bric at a crap market near Nantes.