TV character car crime climbs

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An television, yesterday
An television, yesterday

Thefts of cars belonging to characters from television shows continue to soar according to a new police report which attributes the rise to these vehicles ‘never being locked’.

‘It’s little wonder that characters from television programmes continue to experience high car theft rates when time and again we see them walking away from their cars without locking them,’ explained the report’s author, Inspector Ian Spector. ‘Or they return to their vehicles which plainly have not been locked while parked and, in many cases, already have the driver’s window down.’

The report also notes that TV characters are exposed to an above average risk of neck injury in an accident on account of their cars ‘inexplicably having no front seat headrests’.

Worse yet, television characters are said to be especially likely to have an accident in the first place on account of the driver ‘spending a dangerous amount of time looking at the passenger while speaking’.

‘The accident rate is very worrying,’ noted Inspector Spector. ‘And we must sincerely hope it doesn’t mark a return to the dark days of the 1970s and 1980s when television characters were 100 times more likely to swerve into oncoming traffic on account of constantly and needlessly waggling the steering wheel from side-to-side’.