MERCEDES
Full name: Mercedes AMG Petronas Formula One Team That Races In Formula One
Car: W07
Engine: Mercedes (Northants division)
Drivers: Lewis Hamilton #blessed, Nico Rosberg #secondbest
Form: Continuing where they left off last year, Mercedes covered a huge distance during the Barcelona test sessions, to the extent that at one point Nico Rosberg left the track and completed an entire lap of Spain. As a result, the team says it has ‘a lot of data’, later admitting that in fact they had ‘too much fucking data’ and had been forced to ‘throw some of it in a skip’. Personnel wise, team boss Toto Wolff devoted the winter re-learning that funny accent he does whenever he’s interviewed while spare boss Niki Lauda spent the off-season in the team’s highly advanced swearing simulator working on new ways to make television hosts flustered. ‘It was fucking great,’ he explained. ‘Cockpencil!’ Amongst the drivers, Nico Rosberg claims he is more determined than ever, although he says it in the slightly feeble manner of someone in a horror film just before they get eaten by a monster, while Lewis Hamilton is already the 2016 world champion, assuming points are awarded purely for being a faux specs tit clogging up Instagram with dog selfies and Kardashians.
FERRARI
Full name: Scuderia Ferrari Wah Wah Wah We’re Leaving Oh Look We’re Still Here
Car: S-FISH
Engine: Ferrari, the ones that work properly
Drivers: Sebastian Vettel, Kimi Raikkonen
Form: Ferrari believe they could be a real contender this year, which is what they say every season. However, this year could be different, which is also what they say every season. That said, there has been one massive change in Maranello because the car now has a bit of white paint on it which should be worth at least 1 second of discussion amongst television pundits. Team boss Maurizio Arrivabuses hasn’t overseen development of the new S-FISH because he spent the winter working on a fairground while Sebastian Vettel will maintain the air of an organised man about to lose patience with everyone he works with. Meanwhile, Kimi Raikkonen has promised that he might turn up to some of the races if he can be bothered, although not Singapore because he’s got a stag party that weekend. Blithering boss man and sweater enthusiast Sergio Marchionne says Ferrari must do well this season or he will repeatedly change his mind on another Alfa revival plan and then try to make all Fiats look like the 500 until the entire company is fucked. ‘Oh wait!’ he said recently. ‘I just remembered I already did that!’
WILLIAMS
Full name: Williams Martini Have Some Lovely Cake Racing
Car: FW38
Engine: Mercedes
Drivers: Felipe Massa, Valtteri Bottas
Form: This season Williams will have their eyes on the prize, the prize in this case being to complete a hat-trick of third places in the manufacturers’ championship. Rumours suggest boss Claire Williams thinks coming second or first is ‘just showing off’. The team’s driver line-up remains the same as last year, largely because Massa looks like a frightened puppy at the best of times and no one can summon up the courage to sack him. Bottas will be looking to continue his run of recent seasons by seeming to appear on the podium every so often, without actually winning anything. Behind the scenes, Susie Wolff has stepped down as test driver citing ‘irreconcilable inconsistency’ in her accent.
RED BULL
Full name: Red Bull Racing
Car: RB12
Engine: Ren..what?
Drivers: Daniel Ricciardo, Daniil Kvyat
Form: Red Bull spent much of 2015 furiously slagging off their power units only to find they didn’t have an engine for 2016 at which point they had to go grovelling back to Renault like someone who’s left the room after a massive row and then realised they’ve left their keys behind. The French company agreed to keep supplying motors and even promised that they won’t ‘accidentally fall off the forklift a couple of times’ before they leave the factory. The unconvincing name change was inspired by Renault, specifically the moment when they said, ‘Oh, you still want our engines? Well, let’s WATCH how that goes’. Red Bull staff will have to get used to saying ‘TAG-Heuer’ when talking about how the bloody engine is down on power again. Perma-smiley good bloke Daniel Ricciardo will be sure to impress, living up to his ‘honey badger’ nickname which he earned for being extremely sticky and responsible for giving tuberculosis to cattle. Deceptively uninteresting man Daniil Kvyat is the driver all the teams turn to when they want to know facts about owls. ‘Barn owls screech and do not hoot,’ he quips. ‘You are thinking of tawny owls. Please be my friend.’
FORCE INDIA
Full name: Sahara Force India Don’t Worry About The Sahara Bit, We Don’t Know What They Do Either
Car: VJM09
Engine: Mercedes
Drivers: Nico Hulkenberg, Sergio Perez
Form: It’s easy to forget that Force India are still in F1, not least because they appeared to run out of money four years ago. Rumours in the off-season suggested that Aston Martin might buy the team but this plan was thwarted when the British car maker decided it didn’t want its new DB11 dashboard to have buttons from a Ford Granada and spent the money on that instead. Amazingly, Force India scored 136 points last year, which also the number of pounds they’ve spent on this season’s car, but Mercedes power should give it good pace, even after they’ve converted the V6s to run on LPG to save money. Overall, 2016 could be promising for the team, at least until Vijay Mallya goes bust or bursts. Nico Hulkenberg had an amazing 2015, competing in F1 and winning the Le Mans 24 hours race and this year intends to go on to even greater achievements by competing in F1 whilst also getting through to a BT call centre in less than 500 hours. Meanwhile Sergio Perez is at a crossroads in his career as he has to decide whether to be any good or not.
RENAULT
Full name: Not Lotus F1, no sir, pamplemousse etc etc
Car: RS16
Engine: Renault
Drivers: Ken Magnussen, Jolyon Palmer
Form: In 2015 Renault grew tried of everyone saying the engine was rubbish and decided that for 2016 they wanted people to say that about an entire team too. From their base in the French town of Enstone, Oxfordshire insiders admit 2016 will be a season of discovery, chiefly discovering that they wish they didn’t have a Renault engine. Jolyon Palmer’s training regime has been delayed by his constant need to spell his name for people while Ken Magnussen spent the winter building the fitness in his middle finger so that he can deploy it with speed every time he passes a McLaren. Don’t expect great results though at least the team budget will increase massively because they’ve binned Pastor Maldonado and won’t have to spend all their cash on recovery trucks, new front wings and greetings cards with ‘Sorry!’ written on the front.
TORO ROSSO
Full name: Scuderia Spare Red Bull
Car: STR11
Engine: Ferrari charity shop
Drivers: Maxiumum Verstappen, Carlos Sainz jr
Form: There are promising times ahead for the team that defines the word ‘midfield’ as they gain last season’s Ferrari engines which they found on eBay, advertised as ‘Need some attention. Ideal project for enthusiast. Buyer collects’. For the team no one calls ‘The Rossos’ the new motors could make things very exciting, especially since the previous owners forgot to label all the bits of the powertrain that are live. Surly teenager Max Verstappen will continue to get attention for his impressive performances. Carlos Sainz jr will continue to get no attention for his impressive performances because everyone’s watching Max Verstappen. As employees of the Red Bull ‘feeder team’, both drivers cannot wait for the day they get invited to drive a car that’s not as fast in a straight line.
SAUBER
Full name: Sauber F1 Team
Car: C35
Engine: Ferrari good-as-new
Drivers: Marcus Ericsson, Felipe Nasr
Form: In 2015 Sauber appeared to mistakenly think they were running a shit GP3 backmarker, hence their disappointing paint scheme. And pace. For 2016 the livery remains and speed might be hard to come by since they still seem to have no money. ‘We’re at a disadvantage,’ admitted one insider. ‘Because we come from the impoverished nation of Switzerland’. Marcus Ericsson will be hoping to continue in his quest to be so unnoticeable that even his parents aren’t quite sure if he’s still driving in F1 while Felipe Nasr been working hard and promises some mid-season upgrades to his surname with the addition of at least one more badly-needed vowel. Going into the new season, Sauber’s main issue remains their inability to get their logo centred properly. ‘It’s keeps disappearing off the left hand side of the page,’ admitted a spokesman. ‘ Hang on I’m sure it’s somewhere in the settings. Wait, here we go… nope… that’s not it. Oh God, now it’s just printing everything in landscape.’
McLAREN
Full name: McLaren Honda Pit Of Despair
Car: MP4-31
Engine: Terrible
Drivers: Fernando Alonso, Jenson Button
Form: McLaren had a difficult 2015. The chassis was good, or as Ron Dennis put it, ‘within the data set parameters of excellence’, the drivers were well qualified, or as Ron Dennis put it, ‘furnished with a significant quantum of goal achievements’ but the Honda engine was a disappointment, as as Ron Dennis put it, ‘fucking dog shit’. The entire engine package seems to be troublesome, being of what engineers call a ‘points: zero’ design. With much set-up still to do, Alonso is likely to continue with his mood of cheerfully resigned despair, like a man who has just dropped his mobile phone into a septic tank, while Jenson Button will do his best to stay upbeat as he drives his McLaren P1 back to his yacht to see his Playboy centrefold girlfriend.
MANOR
Full name: Manor Racing MRT
Car: MRT05
Engine: Mercedes seconds shop
Drivers: Rio Haryanto, Pascal Wehhhhmmmmmnnnn
Form: Formula 1’s most Yorkshire team is back, once again thwarted in its hopes to build an entire car out of stainless steel but still bloody amazed that they get to go abroad again this year, giving them the chance to complain that it’s too hot and all the food is too spicy. Pascal Wwwwwwwwhhhhhhmmmm could be one to watch, if not to pronounce. ‘It rhymes with “whhhhmmmmnnnnniiiihhhhhwwww’, he explains. Rio Haryanto is a surprise hiring and for reasons that aren’t entirely clear but the team must be hoping he pounds the opposition, cashes in on his GP2 experience, and is on the money as he cheques out unfamiliar circuits such as Monza with its historic banking transfer.
HAAS
Full name: Haas Whoop Whoop Hells Yeah U! S! A! U! S! A! HUUUUUUU!
Car: VF-16
Engine: Ferrari here just try this part for us
Drivers: Unpronounceable to team personnel. Definitely unpronounceable to team personnel.
Form: Haas promise to bring some good ol’ American know-how to Formula 1, straight from their factory in the proud American state of Oxfordshire where the Italian chassis and Italian engine are put together ready for their French and Mexican drivers. The newcomers have had a leg-up since they were permitted unfettered access to the Ferrari wind tunnel which Ferrari themselves could not use due to testing restrictions. Sources say the new Haas performs especially well in conditions where it is outside the airflow because there is already a secret Ferrari in the way. Scruffy student Grosjean continues on what must be the longest gap year in history and seems unfazed by his new team’s insistence on calling him ‘Cheesegimp’. Gutierrez has struggled to get familiar with the car as his paymasters keep making him clean their pool and threatening to make him drive from behind ‘a great, great wall’.
