The Consumer Electronics Show is no longer an excuse for technology journalists to spend a week in Vegas trying to claim back hookers on expenses and cramming free laptops into their suitcases. Now car makers are there, motoring journalists can do that too. Here is an report about the show’s automotive highlights.
Aston Martin made a surprise appearance at the show with the Autolink Rapide S which features the latest generation of touchscreens. ‘This car is completely connected,’ said a spokesman. ‘In particular to your friend Graeme who it keeps ringing even when you ask it not to’.
BMW showed off the i8 Vision Future Interaction concept, which they had to rush a bit and didn’t have time to fit with doors or a bootlid. ‘This car is fully connected,’ boasted a spokesman. ‘That’s why it comes with a 400 kilometer curly cord’.
Jaguar displayed a one-off F-Pace to showcase new tech developed with Intel. ‘This car is unbelievably connected,’ explained a spokesman. ‘Both vertically, and horizontally, and slightly diagonally. There really is nothing it isn’t connected to. Some of the things it’s connected to are actually connected to each other, and then back again. If anything, it’s a bit too fucking connected.’
Volkswagen displayed the e-Golf Touch which boasts advanced features such as gesture control. ‘This car is extremely connected,’ a spokesman claimed. ‘As a result, it keeps reading out the comments under YouTube videos until you develop such despair at the state of humanity that you smash it through the front of a flower shop. This usually happens within two or three minutes’.
Volvo showed a new smartwatch control system for its next generation models. ‘These cars will be totally connected,’ said a spokesman. ‘Your watch is your car and your car is your watch and eventually the user will regard them as a connected entity at which point they will end up with a broken wrist and a lot of explaining to do’.
Finally, VW revealed the Microbus-inspired Budd-e concept. ‘Blah blah blah connected,’ confirmed a spokesman. ‘The main thing about this concept is that it distracts people from the shame of our diesel lies by reminding them of happier things like our glorious Nazi heritage’.