Motorshows News

The 2016 Geneva motoring show – part 1

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The Geneva motor show is a free skiing holiday for car journalists, and if there’s time they might cram in a quick look at the 911R. Here is the first of two reports from there.

Gen16AstonDB11Aston Martin made one of the most exciting announcements at Geneva as it revealed the DB9 replacement, called the DB11. ‘It’s two better,’ confirmed a spokesman. Aston also gave details of its new factory in Wales. ‘Within a few years brand new Aston Martins will roll off our production line in Cardiff,’ said a spokesman. ‘And then immediately get their heads kicked in for having an English name.’

Geneva saw the European preview of the Hyundai Ioniq hybrid. ‘It gives you the energy you need for sports,’ said spokesman John Barnes. ‘No wait, I’m thinking of isotonic. Shit, sorry. Would you like me to do the rap bit from World In Motion?’

Renault announced the new Scenic which the company says elevates the long-running model to new heights. ‘This is the Scenic taken to the next level,’ said a spokesman. ‘More style, more efficiency, more bits coming off in your hand.’

Citroen showed off the dramatic DS E-Tense concept. ‘This is a concept car in the great PSA tradition,’ said a spokesman. ‘Which is to say, it bears almost no resemblance to anything we might do in real life.’

Gen16OpelGTBugatti announced the amazing new Chiron which is said to contain incredible, boundary-pushing engineering to make it capable of feats other cars can only dream of, such as doing 200km a year around the centre of a large city and then appearing second hand at a posh car broker for twice the list price.

Later on press day, Hyundai had another go at showing off its brand new Ioniq. ‘It’s like raaaaaaaaain on your wedding day, it’s a free riiiiii-eeeeiiide when you’ve already paid,’ said spokeswoman Alanis Morissette. ‘No, wait, I’m thinking of ironic. Shit, sorry. Would you like me to do that really angry song your ex-girlfriend likes?’

Vauxhall showed off the exciting GT concept which features a number of radical design elements. These include unusual windows which make it appear that the driver can’t see out of the sides, much like every Corsa.

Audi took the covers off the new Q2 which, as its name suggests, is inspired by the months of April to June. ‘It brings the hope that soon you can sit outside the pub,’ said a spokesman.

Gen16Porsche911RAs preview day ended, Hyundai had one last stab at announcing its new Ioniq hybrid. ‘It flushes waste material out of the bowel using a hose pipe inserted into the rectum,’ said spokeswoman Gillian McKeith. ‘No, wait, I’m thinking of colonic. Shit, sorry. Would you like me to be a creepy real life Terrahawk rooting around in your poos?’

Finally, Porsche delighted car journalists by announcing the long-awaited 911R. ‘Oh great,’ sighed the person responsible for getting semen out of bed linen in Geneva hotels.