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Alonso has a note from his mum

Fernando Alonso, yesterday
Fernando Alonso, yesterday

Fernando Alonso will not drive in this weekend’s Chinese Grand Prix after McLaren sources admitted he has ‘a note from his mum’.

‘We received an envelope yesterday from Mrs Alonso,’ revealed a team insider. ‘It said her Fernando still had a hurty chest and was to be excused from games.’

‘Fernando is delighted with the result from his mum after he spent all that time doing a pathetic little cough every time she walked into the room,’ claimed an anonymous source close to the Spanish driver. ‘It is only right he is let off from the Chinese Grand Prix and he definitely isn’t doing it just to get out of driving that shitty car and he definitely hasn’t already planned a barbecue at home this weekend.’

‘Oh no, I seem to be holding a brick,’ said Jenson Button today. ‘Wouldn’t it be a shame if I totally accidentally dropped it on my foot and shit.’