Chris Evans escapes from Top Gear

Chris Evans, yesterday
Chris Evans, yesterday

People across Britain are being warned to stay indoors after news that Chris Evans has escaped from his Top Gear contract.

‘The IC1 male suspect was last seen driving away from BBC offices in central London wearing a jumper and yellow T-shirt that he seems to have had on for about six weeks now,’ confirmed police rep Paul Eesrep. ‘He is driving an unidentified vehicle which he keeps referring to as ‘she’ and is believed to be reeling off statistics about it without any sense that he knows what they mean.’

‘We believe there is little risk of Mr Evans delivering an actual verdict on the car,’ Mr Eesrep continued. ‘But we would urge the public not to approach him as there remains a high risk that he will shout at them in a needlessly jolly and slightly echoey way.’

‘Anyone who sees Mr Evans should inform us immediately,’ Mr Eesrep concluded. ‘And I would like to reassure the British public that we will use whatever force necessary to prevent him from returning to Top Gear.’