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The 2017 Detroit Auto Show

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The Detroit Auto Show takes place in the home of the Big Three who this year celebrated this fact by literally not being arsed to show anything new or interesting because they were too busy pretending that business decisions made months ago were somehow down to the deranged, illiterate tweets of a nylon-haired piss enthusiast. Fortunately, some other manufacturers made an effort.

det17kiastingerKia showed off an exciting new rear-wheel-drive sports saloon called the Stinger GT. ‘The Stinger really is very spicy and has been tested extensively at the ‘Ring,’ said a spokesman. ‘So I suppose you could say it’s a very obvious joke that I’m not going to do.’ The Stinger name was actually inspired by the very idea of a large, V6-powered petrol saloon from a non-prestige manufacturer and refers to the car’s expected depreciation.

Audi showed off a concept version of its forthcoming Q8 which is a TUV, or Twat’s Utility Vehicle. ‘The sportier Q8 is designed to complement the seven seat Q7,’ explained a spokesman. ‘Because we have realized that some completely vile people don’t have so many completely vile children.’

Ford confirmed plans to bring back the famous Bronco name. ‘The car will be revealed just as soon as we can get OJ Simpson to definitely not murder someone,’ explained a spokesman. ‘No sir, thatttttt diddddddd nottttttttt happppppppennnnnnn.’

det17lexuslsLexus announced its surprisingly attractive new LS flagship. ‘It’s so advanced that it could comment on the colour and style of your trousers,’ explained a spokesman. ‘But it’s so polite that it won’t.’ An insider later admitted that the new model is so tightly made they can’t get the doors open.

Mercedes presented the expanded AMG GT range which now consists of the GT C convertible and a special version of the convertible with a roof that does not retract which is called the C because it is actually a coupe and sits alongside the GT R which is also a coupe in the sense that it is not a convertible, unlike the AMG GT S which is both and the AMG GT which is neither. ‘Makes perfect sense to us,’ said a spokesman for McLaren.

Infiniti continued their quest to be Lexus-for-losers by showing off the QX50 concept, a car which proves that it’s possible something get a minus score for interestingness. ‘It actually sucks existing interesting things out of your head!’ crowed a spokesman.

Chinese car maker GAC came to Detroit with three concept cars, called the Facsimile, the Doppleganger and the Xerox. ‘Think of something you like,’ said a spokesman. ‘Well, one of our cars looks a bit like that. Unless you’re thinking of an egg sandwich. They only smell like that.’

det17vwidbuzzVolkswagen showed off the I.D. Buzz which is yet another modern interpretation of the Microbus. ‘It’s actually called the I.D. Buzz Edition 16,’ explained a spokesman. ‘Because it celebrates 16 years of VW showing off modern versions of the Microbus without ever actually putting one on sale’.

Finally, much of the talk at the Detroit show was about the latest developments in self-driving cars. ‘Prototypes are racking up the miles on actual streets with great success,’ explained a spokesman for one tech company. ‘As a result, the commercially available autonomous car will be with us just as soon as everyone in the world moves to San Francisco and promises not to make any sudden movements.’