Trump to ban European cars

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Trump, yesterday

President Donald Trump is poised to sign an executive order banning European cars from landing on US soil in a move the White House says will ‘prevent them from running down US citizens’.

‘Only last week, a car ran down an American outside a drug store in Houston, Texas. I grant you, the car was not made in Europe, but this is the kind of thing that stops now. Period,’ explained a spokesman for the shit-haired piss-enthusiast. ‘And you can tell I’m one of those witless asshats who tries to sound no-nonsense because I say period at the end of sentences as if that makes them more weighty. Period.’

Generalissimo Trump’s new order is bad news for the thousands of European-made cars currently on ships heading for the United States which may now have to turn round in a move that White House sources say will ‘guarantee the safety of millions of Americans by allowing them to cross streets without looking’.

‘I have in my hand a piece of paper,’ said British Prime Minister Theresa May, returning from a meeting with Mr Trump by getting off a propeller-engined aeroplane in black and white.