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2017 Geneva Motoring Show round-up

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The Geneva Show is the highlight of the car calendar for all motoring journalists who want to brush up on their skiing and their ability to put a 12 quid beer onto a room bill someone else is picking up. Here is a quick report from there.

Pictures by YouTube star Lysander Higuys

One of the surprises of the show came from Bentley who showed off the EXP12 Speed 6e electric car concept. ‘Adding electric motors and several batteries allows us to deliver exactly what customers expect from our cars,’ said a spokesman. ‘By which I mean, heaviness.’

McLaren took the covers off its 650 replacement, the 720S. Ron Dennis will use this car to remind people he still works at the road car division by making it ‘extra tidy’ and insisting the brochure says it ‘delivers a quantity of excellencitude regarding all performancical integers’.

Volkswagen chose Geneva to show off an Audi A7, which it is calling the Arteon. ‘This car is ideal for those people who want an Audi A7 but wish it was a Volkswagen,’ said a spokesman. ‘We expect to sell none.’

Not to be left out, Mercedes also launched an Audi A7, but called it the AMG GT concept. The car is sure to make production, and will appeal to people who want an Audi A7 but wish it let them arrive everywhere in a noisier way.

Audi did not launch an Audi A7 as it’s already got one, but the German company did announce the new twin-turbo, 444 horsepower RS5. ‘Wait, didn’t we already have an RS5?’ asked a spokesman. ‘No, hang on, that was the old model. Or was that the RS4. Um, is there an RS4 at the moment? Or is that the RS6? Did we announce one of those? I lose track.’

Over at Volvo, all eyes were on the new XC60 which is said to be so fucking pleasant it comes with some recipes and writes its own amusing blog about being a mummy who drinks a lot of wine.

The big news at Lamborghini was the new Huracan Performante. ‘This car redfines Lamborghini performance and handling in a package you can comfortably use on road or track,’ said a spokesman speaking slightly faster than seems plausible.

Porsche took the covers off the facelifted 911 GT3 which is now available with a manual gearbox, as well as an AM radio and a choke. The company also revealed the Panamera Sport Turismo, which is 57 times more appealing than a normal Panamera. ‘It just is,’ said a spokesman. ‘Because estate.’

Aston Martin revealed a new range of modified cars under the AMR badge. ‘Many of our customers go to aftermarket companies after buying their car,’ said a spokesman. ‘Now with AMR, the factory can meet their requirement to cover the whole inside in Alcantara and then put a stripe up the bonnet.’

Finally, after a development process which seems to have lasted about 19 years, Renault revealed the production version of the Alpina A110 sports car. ‘It’s ideal for anyone who wants a Porsche Cayman but wishes it was a Renault,’ said a spokesman. ‘Oh… merde.’