New 911 GT3 to replace Jesus

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An church, yesterday

There was shock among church-goers today as the Archbishop of Canterbury announced plans to scrap Jesus as the spiritual figurehead of the Christian faith and replace Him with the new Porsche 911 GT3.

‘The Archbishop read all the reviews of the new 911 GT3 and experienced a moment of revelation,’ explained a Lambeth Palace spokesperson. ‘I mean, Jesus might have cured the sick, healed the wounded and fed 5000 people with just five loaves and two fish, but the new 911 GT3 is now available with a manual gearbox.’

‘Yes, you might argue that Jesus is a vital symbol of the church and that his teachings are the moral compass upon which all Christians rely,’ our source added. ‘But the new 911 GT3 is fitted with lighter bumpers front and rear and, despite its incredible abilities on a track, its ride quality on challenging roads remains surprisingly pliant.’

Church of England insiders say all depictions of Jesus will now be replaced with an image of a red 911 GT3 in a slightly over-saturated picture that makes it look orange while Bible stories commonly used for sermons and Sunday schools will be phased out in favour of passages in which the new 911 GT3 is acknowledged to rev to 9000rpm, delivering its power in a wonderfully linear way.

‘Blessed be the 911 GT3 for it is our new saviour,’ said one high-ranking member of the clergy. ‘Although having read the reviews for it, I would remind car journalists that masturbation is technically a sin.’