Bollocks barnets could be secret of champ's ace pace
Following Sebastian Vettel’s surprise victory in last weekend’s Australian Grand Prix, a Ferrari insider has revealed the secret of the German champ’s renewed pace and desire to win; shit hairstyles.
“Everyone assumed that Seb had decided to start the new season with an inexplicably half-finished haircut,” explained a Ferrari mole (not literally). “But it’s much more complicated than that. You see, he deliberately chose to have a crap haircut to motivate himself to do well, thereby forcing all the headlines to be about his performance rather than why he was wandering around Melbourne looking like a medieval simpleton”.
Our source went on to explain that Australia’s two-level travesty of a haircut is just the start of a season-long policy for the German racer which will see him arrive at each circuit with a new and equally absurd hair styling disaster, forcing him to perform so well that no one mentions it after about Friday evening.
“Seb has it all planned out,” our insider explained. “One race he’ll dye it patchy pink with a bit missing at the back, the next he’ll have terrible cornrows like a white Northern woman coming back from holiday in Barbados. There really is no limit to how bad his haircuts are going to get. And his performances on track will be entirely motivated by a need to avoid headlines about what a daft prick he looks.”
“A series of silly style choices but supreme pace on the track?” said one F1 fan yesterday. “Who does he think he is, Lewis Hamilton?”