BMW announces new car for people who won’t buy one

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Modified Munich missile sure to herald helmsmith hard-on

BMW has announced details of its new M2 Competition which the company says has been “fully optimised” for its target audience, which is car journalists who will never buy one.

“Every detail of this car has been fully considered,” explained head of M Division, Headov M. Divizhun. “Starting with the way the car looks in a massive line-up of the same model in the same colour at a launch venue on a race circuit in Spain when you’ve just flown in to a nearby airfield aboard a private jet.”

“Our stylists also considered every detail such as the new front intakes, the blacked-in grille trim and the new door mirrors,” Divizhun continued. “And specifically how they would look in photographs when the car is on full opposite lock on a rented race track and used as the opening image in a first drive story.”

Naturally, the new M2 Competition is more than just a styling exercise and boasts an uprated, 404 horsepower version of the twin-turbo straight six, shared with the M3 and M4, and sure to appeal to people who will spend 36 hours dicking around with it on a circuit someone else has paid for because they could never afford it, or the car.

“Thanks to new spring and damper settings and recalibrated stability control the car is now capable of more extreme drift angles and other things that would get a normal person thrown off a track day,” Divizhun explained. “Unless of course you are a journalist on, for example, a race track that has been hired by, for sake of argument, BMW for, let’s say, the launch of the new BMW M2 Competition.”

“This car with developed with a complete focus,” Divizhun concluded. “And that focus was on people who will write rave reviews about based on its ability to oversteer wildly and make them look heroic in photos without bothering to think about boring stuff like ride quality or running costs.”

The M2 Competition will be available in the summer for car journalists to rag about for two days with a massive bonk on and then not buy one.