Minted morons herald high times for industrial unit idiots defacing Defenders
The Land Rover Defender may have gone out of production over two years ago but experts say there’s never been a better time to buy one that’s been completely fucked up.
“The end of Defender production has led to a record number of companies who will completely ruin them,” explained spokesman for the 4×4 industry, Axel Articulation. “Whether you want one with a horrible grille and a pair of excessively bright LED lights that don’t seem to be fitted straight or you’d like every part of the interior to be covered in quilted shit, there’s never been a better time to get a Defender that’s smeared in aftermarket crap at massively inflated prices”.
Furthermore, it seems the boom time for companies that spoil Defenders has had a knock-on effect for suppliers such as the makers of horrible alloy wheels that don’t quite look right and businesses producing bolt-on underguard shit that patently doesn’t do anything.
“When the Defender died we were worried about all those people advertising crap in the back of off-road magazines,” explained Articulation. “But actually the stick-on metal chequerplate industry has never been healthier and it’s all thanks to the booming businesses defacing Defenders and then selling them to rich idiots, plus of course their traditional audience of stranger loners who wear camo jackets and have a Doberman.”
“The Defender may have gone, but the great news is there’s never been a better time to pay an enormous sum for one that’s been sprayed matt grey, fitted with a terrible grille and badly tuned to give 14 more horsepower,” Articulation concludes. “There really is nothing the Defender modification industry can’t do. Apart from change the driving position or make the clutch lighter when your wife or girlfriend starts to complain about it two days after you bought the fucking thing for her.”