Jaguar marks 50 years of untrustworthiness

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I say, could you lend me £74,280? I have something I must attend to quite urgently.

Jaguar has announced a new limited edition to mark 50 years of its most charmingly untrustworthy model, the XJ.

The new XJ50 boasts a raft of special features including unique bumpers, 20-inch alloys and a painting that doesn’t belong to you in the boot. The front of the car is available in rich Loire Blue paint and anyone ordering this finish is assured that the back half will be sprayed over to match.

Inside, the new model offers diamond quilted leather, bespoke aluminium sill plates and a credit card in the glovebox in the name of ‘Sir Christopher Bellingham’ as well as a wallet that appears to belong to someone else entirely, although the driving licence seems to have your picture on it.

In the back, passengers are treated to lashings of soft leather, heated seats and a bag in the footwell that seems to have a load of silver cutlery in it.

The new XJ50 is available to order now and will be delivered brand new, although some of the paperwork appears to suggest that it once had 78,000 miles on it and there’s a crumpled MOT under the boot floor that has an entirely different mileage and registration on it. Also, who’s Peter Cressley-Jones because his name seems to be on the V5 for some reason?

Production of the XJ50 will be strictly limited, although it’s hard to tell how many will be made as the serial numbers have been filed off.