All the completely made-up news from this weekend's race in a country you almost certainly couldn't point to on a map
- The teams arrived in Baku this week to discover some ongoing issues with the track. “Oh for God’s sake,” grumbled one senior engineer. “They still haven’t moved that bloody tower”.
- McLaren admit they don’t understand their lack of pace so far. “We thought it was the Honda engine but now we have a Renault engine and we noticed another car with a Renault engine won the last race so we’re completely baffled,” admitted an insider. “The engine is good, the drivers are good, what else could it be?”
- After Ferrari’s strong pace in the first few races Sebastian Vettel says he is really looking forward to the rest of the season. “We’ve had a great start to 2018,” he said in Baku this week. “And I can’t wait to see how the team fucks it up somehow.”
- After Felipe Massa criticised Williams for hiring pay drivers, Lance Stroll has hit back although unfortunately as he was trying to complete the hit he tripped on a chair leg and barged into Sergey Sirotkin who then stumbled over a low table, fell over the back of a sofa and banged his head on a window. “Oooh Betty, we don’t have any points,” Stroll later remarked.
- Jolyon Palmer says he doesn’t miss driving in F1 at all. “I don’t miss driving in F1 at all,” he quipped, weeping uncontrollably.
- F1’s decision to get rid of grid girls is a problem for organisers of the Baku race. “We had a load of young women lined up,” explained a senior official. “So now we’ve just had to imprison them without trial and then beat them for being harlots”.