Columns D.I. Blundell

D.I. Blundell done report from the 2018 Azerbaijan Grand Prix

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Pretend policeman produces packed pad of palavas

‘Ello ‘ello ‘ello.

Detective Inspector Mark Blundell done be reporting. On Sunday 29th April I done proceed in an Easterly direction to the Grand Prix of Azerbaijan which done be near Russia but also in the Iran area I done believe. Control, please confirm location, over.

Immediately after the commencement of this event I done observe an incident in which a white Williams vehicle driven by an IC1 male, one Mr. S. Sirotkin of Cashback, done collide with a pink Force India vehicle driven by an IC2 male, Mr. S. Perez of Surprises, and then done almost immediately become involved in another incident with a yellow Renault vehicle driven by an IC1 male, Mr N. Hulkenberg of Dependability, and an orange McLaren vehicle driven by an IC2 male, Mr. F. Alonso of Frustration. It done be my opinion that these incidents be the fault of Mr. Sirotkin and this should done be a lesson to all motorists about the importance of done being on the road by merit, not because you done be able to done pay for it.

I then done observe another incident between a pink Force India vehicle driven by an IC1 male, one Mr. E. Ocon of Evreux, in France, and a red Ferrari vehicle driven by an IC1 male, one Mr K. Raikkonen of Finland, in drink. This incident done cause Mr Ocon to be done unable to no longer be, in fairness, driving in the event, what I done understand is an unusual situation for himself.

Later in the event I done observe a most unusual incident in which a yellow Renault vehicle done be seen to collide with what done be, to be fair, a wall. What done make this incident uncommon done be that the driver done are a Mr. N. Hulkenberg of Neat Haircut who done normally, in fairness,  do have what be a safe pair of what is, to be honest, hands.

Some time later another incident done be observed in which a purple Red Bull vehicle driven by an IC1 male, one Mr. D. Ricciardo of Smiling, done collide with the rear of an identical Red Bull vehicle, driven by an IC1 child, one Mr. M. Verstappen, of Creepy Dad. This done be an unfortunate occurence what done should remind motorists of the importance of leaving a safe gap to what be the vehicle in front, especially if that vehicle done be swerving about like a twat.

Finally, I done then observe a Haas vehicle driven by one Mr. R. Grosjean of Inconsistency which done lose what be, in fairness, control in what done be an unusual circumstance and done collide with what I done believe to be, on balance, a wall. This should done be a lesson to all motorists about what done be the perils of having some talent but done being prone to moments of what done be, to be honest, fucking uselessness.

Over and out.