New company promises to make SAABness happen on a brand new car
Six years after SAAB went out of business, a new company has stepped in to provide relief for pleasant architects and provincial dentists who think their old 9-3 or 9-5 is finally due for replacement.
SAABify of Squirming, in Discomfort, say they can meet all the needs of the SAAB enthusiast by carefully modifying a brand new car from a company that hasn’t gone out of business for being a bit too weird.
After analysing every medium sized car on the market for unthreatening pleasantness, SAABify has chosen the Skoda Octavia as its starting point, claiming it offers the right combination of thoughtfulness, large boot and un-twattish image to form the basis for the SAABerating process.
Using the Octavia base, SAABify sets to work applying a clamshell bonnet and some awful three spoke alloys. Meanwhile, the electronics team makes sure the headlights can’t be turned off and moves the ignition barrel down to behind the gearlever for no readily apparent reason whatsoever.
The interior makeover continues with incredibly hot heated seats and a ‘night panel’ function which kills all instrument illumination except the speedo and which the owner will try once and then never use again, apart from one person on a SAAB forum who says they ‘use it all the time, actually’.
SAABify say pilot production is underway now and that the first customer cars should be ready just as soon as they’ve thought of some total bollocks about fighter jets for their adverts.