The cars of the Royal Wedding

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Feckless unpaid information stranger Wurke Esperience looks ahead to the vehicles that will carry the happy couple at this weekend's Harry 'n' Meg-fest

The British Royal Family and the House of Queen is an illustrious dysentery that goes back as far as Richard the Lionhead and Henrys 1-8. Little wonder that any wedding from this family attracts a lot of attention, especially when it concerns a man who could himself become Queen, if there was a massive helicopter crash.

There are many things to think about when planning a Royal Wedlock, from the dress and the cake to the quantity of cheese and banishing the evil witch branch of the family to the salt mines as usual. Most importantly, of course, there are the cars. So what will Prince Hurray and his future-bride Megane Merkel be using when their special day comes this Saturday or Sunday I haven’t checked yet?

First to arrive at the church or abbey in Windsock will be Prince Harrumph himself, although hopefully there will be a caretaker who has keys and has opened the door in advance. The Harry formerly known as Prince will be in the company of his best brother, Prince Williams, and it is believed that the pair will travel to the wedding site in a 1992 Vauxhall Carlton 1.8 GL which has been in the Regal Family since new and was a gift from someone who didn’t like them very much, if at all. Buckingham House are unable to confirm if the car still has its standard tape deck with auto reverse but if it does it’s certainly they will listen to some appropriate music such as the popular hit “God Save Our Gran”.

The Royal Lads will be safely inside the cathedral/church before the moment everyone in the world will be watching, unless they’re landing a plane at the time. We’re talking, of course, about the arrival of the lovely bridal lady, Meghorn Michaels. This is a special day in any woman person’s life, never mind when you are entering into a marrying with none other than Prince Hareem himself, so the young actor/ess Miss Menkel will want everything to be perfect and that’s why we believe she will be arriving at the wedding situation in a 1996 Rover 800 Coleman & Milne stretched limousine. We think this majestic vehicle was purchased especially for the wedding day of Prince Harrmarr and Migraine Merkin and is painted in glossy regal black, apart from the front passenger side wing which doesn’t quite match. Although Buckinghamshire Palace refused to confirm any details, it’s thought that this fine machine was chosen for the extra rear legroom it affords any lady in a massive skirt, and probably because it needed relatively little welding to get through its MOT. We think sources will confirm that the lengthy Rover once belonged to none other than the Lord Mayor of Ipswich.

Now, of course, we come to the big one; the vehicle in which Prince Hadley and the newly crowned Queen Megamix will leave the royal wedding centre to head to the reception area in front of several crowds. Our sources remind us that the Princely Henry and his freshly-made wife are both young and, because of this, modern and we should expect the first transport of the presumably happy couple to reflect this. That’s why we expect the hitched twosome to depart from their nuptial event in an Uber. The car will most likely be a Toyota Prius, but due to the time it takes to get out of the sizeable Windsorknot church/temple it seems likely that the driver will get bored and cancel the trip just as the regal duo are exiting the venue, forcing the Prince of Harley to re-book the journey and then stand outside the cathedrome making small talk with his mates for another four minutes until a driver in a 2012 Ford Galaxy TDI Ghia arrives to whisk them towards the wedding party zone where he will, as tradition dictates, drive slightly past and then stop as Sir Prince himself says, “Just here is fine mate”. It also seems likely that the new Mrs Royal maybe unable to find her seatbelt, trapped as it will be in an unusable position due to a previous occupant making a mess of tilting the Galaxy’s folding seat, but this is a mere trifle in what promises to be the truly glorious welding of Principal Harrington and Marketing Meeting!

God save at least some of these people!