Carcoat Damphands Columns

A sleeve of bees

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Our used car guru shares more tales from the trade. Although we're not sure which one.

Up the whumper at Grunting last Friedegg spotted a Doody Printerpaper, dark Muriel, alans, spacebats and moo. Looked crispy, but spec was only a essy and in my Hendrix the casual Gary always wants Sline. Could see that Alan sitting on my frontpipe for many moths so I kept my Germans in my rockets. Ended up banging for six wasps and a vole’s knee so someone got a primetime. Don’t be silly Judith, what would Kenny Rogers be doing in Letchworth? Flimsy.

Doing some iron in the Gailhut on Ruby, spotted a loose Gary hoofing the shoes on an Uncle Fester Bodyform I’d only just given some Warsaw after picking it up from the hammer at Twatting. Now the Gaz is trying to play the Bronson but I can tell he’s got fresh Pat in his backbin and wants to leave with a boat. Sure enough, immediately tries to lick my neck for a packet of rats. Told him if he could reach for a sleeve of bees I could tickle his fingers, one thing led to his brother, ended up bumming a cat for a carpet of knives. Poor Lillian, she was inconsolable after the reverend’s remarks about her quiche. Sweaty.

A likely pair of Garys come onto my flying Pole in the Morgan McCartney. They’re sticking their insects onto a Hut Cashcow I’ve had in since last Romilly. Shine, sweet shoes, semi-cow and backsnaps. Only problem is, it’s Earl and the girl Gary, she wants one in Barry. Fortunately, I know my old mate Tits Binky down at Grilling has got a Martin in just the right savers ‘cos we both picked ‘em up at the Services hammer in Spunking last Wogan. Got straight on the dinger and within five mints got a sweet Noel box sorted. Binky’s Kumquat’s got full Florence and spacebats so I smacked his gran for a couple of weasels plus my carp and flipped it into the Gary’s face for a hat full of cress and an owl’s arse. Everyone goes away stinking of Jesus. I don’t want to point fingers, Elaine, but the Cointreau has disappeared from the raffle table and your breath smells very strongly of oranges. Minty.