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Alonso steps on rake

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Iberian race ace takes garden tool to face

Fernando Alonso, yesterday

There was more embarrassment for Fernando Alonso this week as sources say a visit to the McLaren factory resulted in him stepping on a rake.

Insider say the two-time world champion (a long time ago) got out of the chauffeur driven Clio outside the main entrance and immediately stood on a carelessly discarded rake which rapidly flicked upwards, making contact with his face with a ‘thwack’ and then causing both Alonso and the rake to vibrate rapidly while making a ‘buduhbuduhbuduhbuduh’ sound.

Our spies claim that in the immediate aftermath of this humiliating incident, Alonso stopped rapidly vibrating with his arms rigidly by his side and was able to quickly shake his head from side to side with a ‘brr-rrr-rrr-rrr’ noise before emitting a ‘Daaah-AAAH!’ sound and then seizing the rake and throwing it to one side.

McLaren insiders admit this is not the first massive embarrassment Alonso has suffered on their premises in recent times. One insider claims that over the winter the Spanish driver arrived at the factory only to slip on a foolishly untreated patch of ice by the main entrance causing his legs to skid rapidly back and forth with a ‘wheep wheep wheep’ sound before he fell onto his backside with a ‘whumph’ and then slid rapidly through the open doors to the factory and kept on sliding with a humiliating ascending whistle before colliding with a piano with a ‘ker-lang’ and then poking his head out from the top of the piano with what some sources claim was little birds rapidly orbiting his head while making a high-pitched tweeting sound.

Furthermore, there are claims that last month Alonso arrived at the McLaren race workshops in high spirits only to push on a half-open door atop which someone had carelessly left an anvil which immediately fell upon his head with a ‘PANG!’ noise, causing the legendary driver to become crumpled to the thickness of a dustbin lid. He was then able to escape from under the anvil but had become folded in a comically telescopic manner and emitted a ‘hawww heeee hawwww’ noise as he walked, reminiscent of a broken accordion.

As a final humiliation, F1 insiders say Alonso also has to drive this season’s McLaren.