Oh God, its tongue is touching my leg again, by the man on the Alfa Romeo badge

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Have you ever smelt a snake's breath? It's musty but dry.

Hi there. Well I don’t really know how to start this so basically I’m just going to come out and say it: The snake’s still got me. I was hoping you might have noticed by now but no, no one’s done a thing about it. Over 100 years I’ve been here and I thought by now someone would have at least asked if I was okay but apparently not. Oh God, its tongue is touching my leg again.

I mean, I feel like if I saw someone being eaten by a snake I would at least ask if they were alright. But oh no, there you are, walking past me on 8Cs and 2600s and Spiders and Alfasuds and 156s and not a word. I’m literally covered in snake spit and no one’s even asked if I need a hand. Well, you know what, a hand might be nice. Ewww! I just touched one of its fangs.

Why don’t you get out yourself, you might ask? Well, back in the 1940s I did try grabbing onto the cross bit on the other side of the badge but it didn’t seem like it could take my weight and also all the wriggling seemed to anger the snake. Then, shortly afterwards, someone re-designed the badge and put the cross a bit further away which was annoying, if I’m honest. More recently they re-did it again and made the bloody snake bigger which frankly was just cruel. Urrgh, now my other shoe’s come off, oh God, why is this happening to me?

I’ve often wondered why the snake has spared me for all this time rather than just eating me whole. It’s a question I’ve tried to ask the snake but of course he can’t answer because he has a person in his mouth, i.e. me. Have you ever smelt a snake’s breath? It’s musty but dry, like the inside of an old sports bag that’s been left in the sunshine. I’m used to it now of course. After all, I have been here for 108 years without being rescued. Hint hint! ERRRRRRRGH, PLEASE SEND HELP, THE SNAKE JUST BURPED!