Some words from the team-switching perma-cheery Aussie ace
So yea, it’s true, I’m leaving Red Bull Racing and there are lots of reasons for that but the main one is because I’m turning into a shoe.
The doctors say it’s because I drank out of my own shoe one too many times and somehow I caught this kind of disease that’s a sort of shoe disease and normally only shoes get it but now I’ve got it and that’s why they say I’m slowly turning into a shoe.
I guess when you’re celebrating you just don’t think of the consequences of little things like taking an enormous swig of liquid from a diseased shoe and how those actions can have serious knock-on effects, such as causing your back to become increasingly hardened like a sole and small lace holes to start appearing in your torso as you physiologically transform into a shoe.
Would I change anything, knowing what I know now and seeing what it’s like when a vast ‘tongue’ starts to emerge from your chest? If I’m honest, I wouldn’t give away those race victories for anything, but if I could do it again I’d make sure that before I drank out of a shoe I had that shoe tested to make sure it was free of any diseases that could transfer to a human and cause him to feel the early onset of shoe disease which makes him imagine he actually is a shoe and causes him to keep walking into shoe shops and getting up onto the shelves and then just lying there being really still and hoping someone will want to try him on. That’s my life now, because I am shoe.
You know, I’ve always lived my days looking forwards not backwards and I’m staying mentally focussed on the future rather than getting distracted thinking about how my legs will slowly fuse together to create one massive toe. What I have to do now is leave Red Bull, and I’m sad about that but I’ve been warned never to drink from a shoe again and that means avoiding race victories for the foreseeable future which is why I’m delighted to be joining the Renault F1 team.
I think we’ve got a great future together for as long as I’m able to drive before, as I said, I turn into a massive shoe.