Elon Musk in LinkedIn hell

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Bonkers billionaire banjaxed by boring business bollocks bulletins

After “production hell”, criticism for major financial announcements on Twitter, and various problems brought on because he keeps behaving like a dick, Elon Musk is today facing his toughest challenge yet as he attempts to get LinkedIn to stop sending him so many emails.

The twitchy-eyed entrepreneur joined LinkedIn in 2008 and currently lists himself as “Overlord” at Tesla, “Starfleet Captain” at SpaceX and “Hole Dude” at The Boring Company, adding his former position as “Executive Main Chief Guy” at PayPal. Experts say a person who has been on LinkedIn for that length of time will have typically received over 47 billion emails from LinkedIn.

“Elon is a businessman and like anyone in business he respects LinkedIn for its importance in being able to look up people you were at school with in the hope they’re less successful than you,” explained an insider. “But he’s also a busy man and he can’t afford the time he spends each day deleting the 430 irrelevant emails that LinkedIn sends him.”

Sources in California say that Musk himself has now taken personal control of a project to go into his settings and attempt to minimise the number of emails LinkedIn sends him, even though his assistant has already done this, “like, 100 times” and they still keep sending emails.

“The project to get LinkedIn to stop sending Elon emails is really denting productivity,” said another source close to the billionaire. “He’s halted work on SpaceX missions so now we’ve got rooms full of rocket scientists all trying unsuccessfully to figure out why checking the boxes that say don’t send me emails still causes LinkedIn to send you many, many emails. Things have got so bad we’ve had to built a kind of glorified tent to house all the people trying to figure a way to stop LinkedIn emailing you once every nine minutes with something super uninteresting.”

In the meantime, insiders warn that Musk’s anger with being distracted by far too many emails from what’s basically like a boring business Facebook is said to be so great that he could be mere days away from going on Twitter to call LinkedIn a “pedo”.