Columns Gin-soaked mummy

“Looking scrummy in a lovely blue colour”

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Guest reviewer XANDRIA BISKER-FISCKER, best known for her GIN SOAKED MUMMY BLOG, samples the new Ford Focus

“Would you like to try the new Focus?” said the lovely chaps from Sniff Petrol. Things haven’t been in focus for me since Hermonia, a.k.a. Daughts One, was born 12 years ago, I joked! The next thing I knew, a brand-new car had arrived at my door looking scrummy in a lovely blue colour, not dissimilar to the water off Cap d’Antibes from where the whole fam had just returned, minus El Hubster who had to stay à Londres on biz, as per uszh!

Well I certainly liked the look of this new Focuss and, despite being a mere Ford, it rather showed up the shabbiness of my old Volvo (not sure what sort; it’s grey). This reminded me that I should ask Sean the handyman to stop pretending not to look at yours truly walking back and forth past the windows in a négligée all the time and give it some of the old spit ‘n’ polish, preferably with his shirt off! The snazzy little Fucus wasn’t even embarrassed by Das Huzband’s Rangie Rov on the drive so full marks to the chaps (and ladies, right?!) at wherever Ford is from!

Naturally “The Son”, Filibus, who is home at the moment (school hols horror!), got straight inside the alluring blue Fordus and started doing as all 10-year-olds do, which is playing with the gadgets and breaking off one of the wand thingies that does the turn flashers! Boys, eh?! He swiftly returned to the breakfast room to report that this stylish machine was indeed well-equipped with all the latest labour-saving gizmos such as a fancy iPod connection system and a handbrake that can be released at the touch of a button allowing the car to roll off the drive, down the street, and out into traffic on Holland Park Avenue! Boys will be boys!

I presume the Forcus is a family car for people who aren’t doing so well and you might need to get children in the back or boot so I asked “The Nanny” (Svetlana, or was that the old one???) to use it to take Daughts Two/Three, Alouette, 7, and Porchetta, also 7, (a.k.a. “The Terrible Twos”) to wherever she leaves them all day and she was able to report that they fitted just fine.

I was certainly rather taken with this new model on first impressions and I’m delighted to say that it was quite the hit when Miasma Dellantropiste ( popped over chez nous with Frenulum “Bish” Bishop-Bishops ( Natch they were aghast when they thought this was actually my new car, but when I explained that it was just being loaned to me and wasn’t to keep (as far as I was aware) they calmed down! Bish even said the Foocus was “sweet” and would make a “lovely” car for the housemaid or similar. I asked if she wanted to try it out, but by then it was 2pm and well past time to open something pink and chilled! Just the one bottle! Each! Although actually, we got through about five, but who’s counting?! Certainly not L’Husbande who is once again away in Zurich or Munich or somewhere and can’t be reached, nor indeed can his PA who’s apparently gone with him, AGAIN! Plus ça change et passez le vin rosé puis l’Hendricks!

To sum up, I thought the new Crocus looked absolutely smashing and from what Svzzzkz (???) told me it was very whizzy and lovely to drive with its 1.5 litres of petrol engine. Apparently, this one costs about £22,000 and so is probably ideal if you’re a family on a tight budget, plus it has lots of gadgets that can make life easier although it can’t make your husband come home, or get hold of mummy’s “special help dust” dealer who seems to have changed his number again, or reverse your third bloody drink driving ban which Jonathan says he almost certainly can’t get you out of this time, or prevent you from getting called a “ridiculous lush” by your own fucking mother! Come on Ford, pull your finger out, can’t you see I’m uncontrollably crying again?!!!

Find more of Xandria Bisker-Fiscker’s work at