Christmas car TV guide

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A handy preview of some petrolhead treats coming onto your televisiomachine this Christlemust.

Martin’s Fartin’s

Channel 4, 26 December, 9pm
In a break from his usual engineering-based programmes, loveable, mop-topped, slightly strange man Guy Martin investigates the history of flatulence and some of the many different types of guffs available in the past and today. “You can always tell when someone’s ‘ad spag bol, can’tcha?” Martin quips in one scene, while staring slightly off camera looking like a cheery sheepdog.

Top Gear – The Expendables

BBC2, 30 December, 8pm
In a spin-off from the usual format, former TG presenters William Woollard, Chris Goffey and Tony Mason re-assemble for one final mission, to race across the Russian Steppes in home-made emergency vehicles while also reviewing the Austin Maestro against the Ford Escort and Renault 11, looking at advances in rear seatbelt legislation and covering a steam rally through the Quantocks.

The Ital Job

ITV4, 24 December, 10pm
1980 movie in which a group of low quality gangsters attempt to escape from Turin with cases of gold stashed in three appallingly inadequate British saloon cars. Will they make it to the border before anyone notices that they’re just badly facelifted Marinas? Starring: Harris Mann. Not starring: Giorgetto Giugiaro.

eBay Cars

BBC1, 26 December, 2pm
Classic 2014 kids cartoon film based around animated cars that are for sale on eBay, starring all your favourite characters including Bumbers, Rare Modle, Low Milage, and the twins Spares or Repairs. As the original posters said, “Frst toi see wil buy!!1!!!!” Warning: All of this film is out of focus and most of it is in portrait aspect.

Ghosn Alone

ITV1, 24 December, 4pm
Hilarious seasonal adventure in which a former Nissan boss is accidentally left by himself in one of his massive, dubiously-paid-for houses and must set up a series of elaborate tricks and pranks to prevent a gang of corporate investigators from getting inside to discover how much he’s allegedly been on the fiddle. Allegedly.

Herbie Goes Fucking Batshit For Some Reason

Five, 27 December, 3pm
Forgotten 1983 Disney adventure in which the loveable Volkswagen appears to become aware that it is a sentient mind trapped in the body of a small, noisy car and goes absolutely shatting apeshit by driving the wrong way up a freeway and then firing an air rifle into a crowd. Not suitable for children. Hey, wait, is that Peter Sallis? What’s he doing in this?