Everything you need to know about the new Porsche 911

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All the details on the eighth generation of Porsche's famous sports car

What’s all this then?

It’s the new 911. Although for Porsche nerds it’s the 992, replacement for the 991.

So it’s one better then?

No, it doesn’t work like that.

Wait, does that also mean it’s five worse than the model before that? Oh my God, and four worse than the one before that which everyone thought was shite.

I’ve just told you, it doesn’t work like that. Can you ask a more sensible question please?

What kind of engines does it have?

The launch engine is a 444bhp 3-litre flat six for the Carrera S, while a lower powered one will arrive shortly afterwards in the Carrera and of course both are turbocharged…

So they’re all 911 turbos?

Well yes, but there will also be a proper 911 Turbo at some point…

That’s a bit confusing isn’t it?

The engines in the last model were turbocharged actually, and they didn’t…

I mean, what’s the point of the 911 Turbo if everything is a 911 Turbo, eh?

Stop interrupting me and let me do some of the facts you tit. Yes, the engines are turbocharged and they’re connected to a new 8-speed PDK gearbox for greater efficiency.

Is there a diesel?

Come on, you said you’d do this properly. Ask me about a hybrid one, but do it in a jocularly dismissive way so that my answer amazes you.

Efficiency? In a sports car? Next you’ll be telling me there’s a hybrid version!

Brilliant. Well done. I mean, yes, actually there is a hybrid coming in future.

Is there a four-wheel-drive one?

Yes. From launch you can have the Carrera S or the Carrera 4S, and interestingly…

Okay, well I think that’s all I need to know about the new 911. Cheers then. Bye.

No, hang on, you need to ask me more questions about this Porsche.

What does the roof smell like?

Don’t spoil this for me Steve. Ask a proper question.

Erm… oh I don’t know, which is its favourite character in Friends?

What? It’s a fucking car. Stop being a penis about this.

Answer the question then. Who’s its favourite Friends character?

For the love of God just… fine, it’s Ross.

WHAT? No one’s favourite character is Ross. This car sounds shit.

Seriously, just fuck off Steve. You’re ruining this. My editor said I need at least 500 words on this new 911 because articles about the 911 get clicks and it’ll hold people’s interest until we can run out exclusive story about how Porsche let us stand by the side of a road while a late pre-production car drove past.

Hang on, why are we doing this annoying question and answer format anyway?

Because online publications think it’s easy to read and conversational.

Oh, I thought it was because it meant the writer didn’t have to structure the story properly.

Yes, that also.

CORRECTION: Porsche has asked us to make it clear that the new 911’s favourite character in Friends is Monica because “she is very organised”.