Motorshows News

2019 Detroit Auto Show round-up

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All the news you need from the New United Truck, SUV And Car Show (NUTSACS)

Ford Mustang GT500
One of the stars of the show was this new, hardcore version of Ford’s venerable coupe which promises to be the most sophisticated American sports car ever made because it has disc brakes all round. Ford claims the supercharged GT500 will have ‘over 700 horsepower’ and ‘supercar rivalling’ abilities. “Aw,” said someone from a European car company. “That’s sweet”.

Subaru WRX STI S209
Subaru revealed a new limited edition Impreza which has increased boost, larger exhausts and more holes in the bodywork. “Blah blah blah, handling, grip, symmetrical four-wheel-drive,” said a spokesman. “Look, it’s basically just a big machine for making lumpy noises”.

Infiniti QX Inspiration
Making a desperate lunge for relevance once more, Infiniti showed off an electric concept called the QX Inspiration. “This is no fantasy, this car is a realistic vision of what an Infiniti electric car could be,” said a spokesman. “By which I mean, appealing to a few Americans and ignored by literally everyone else in the world.”

Kia Telluride
The Korean company revealed the production version of their US-only large SUV. “Telluride is the perfect name for this vehicle because it is the size and weight of a town in Colorado,” explained a spokesman. “Also there’s a ski resort in the trunk and whoever designed it was so high they just did some mad shit to the front of a Volvo XC90.”

Ford Explorer
A brand new version of Ford’s popular SUV, the latest Explorer boasts attractive styling and a 400 horsepower ST version. “We’re super excited by the reaction to the new Explorer,” said a spokesman. “And we can’t wait to discover at a later date the terrible design flaw that spoils its reputation”.

Lexus RC F Track edition
The Japanese maker showed off a special version of its small coupe which, unusually, boasts of increased weight thanks to special lead doors, a granite bonnet, and rear seats that have been replaced by two Victorian safes and an anvil. “It’s called Track edition because it weighs as much as a train,” explained a spokesman. “Sorry, I think there has been a terrible misunderstanding”.

Cadillac XT6
What used to be the pride of the US car industry about 60 years ago took the covers off its latest sort of SUV thing with a load of seats in it that’s barely even bothering to pretend it’s not a rip-off of the Volvo XC90. “We’re looking to set a new standard here,” said a spokesman. “This really will be the Cadillac of milky, dull crossover things that are all basically the same to look at and drive.”

Ram Heavy Duty
The bit of Dodge that you’re not supposed to call Dodge any more showed off its latest pick-up which boasts an incredible 1000lb ft of torque. Its creators say this was achieved through methods such as “fuck yeah”, “U… S… A… U… S… A…” and “GNUUUUURGH”. They later expanded on this by punching a hole in the side of a beer can, pulling the ring and drinking the contents in one go while one of their associates shouted “IN THE HOLE” at an obnoxiously high volume for no readily apparent reason.

Jeep Gladiator
The only bit of FCA that doesn’t seem to have completely given up showed its Wrangler-based pick-up again at Detroit. “My name is Jeepus Maximus Marketingus, occupier of a lucrative market segment, obvious spin-off from an established model, and remover of my own doors,” it said, weirdly. “And I will have vengeance against those who say that these motorcycles obviously don’t fit in my load bed properly”.

Toyota Supra
New Supra? There wasn’t a new Supra. Someone would have mentioned it.