How to configure your new Porsche 911

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The only guide you need to specifying your brand new rear-engined sports car

The new 992-generation Porsche 911 Carrera S comes with a 3-litre turbocharged flat six engine, pop-out door handles, air-conditioning and a radio of some kind. What more could you need? As ever with Porsche, however, there are myriad ways in which you can add more features and expense but which of those options are worth it and which are no, definitely not worth of doing it at all, no? Here is the indespensible Sniff Petrol guide to the essential, and the they are not essential so ignore them except when reading this, options on the all-new 992 that is called a 911.

5 essential options on the new Porsche 911

1. PPBSA (Porsche Personal Belongings Storage Area)
For the first time in years, Porsche has made the radical decision to offer the new 911 with somewhere in the interior that’s actually big enough to accommodate some of the modern things the people of today might want to carry in the car such as a wallet, house keys and a wireless telephone device. Yes, it’s a £326 option but we say it’s well worth it. Otherwise what are you going to do, attempt to cram your belongings into that weird slot in the dash that’s not quite big enough for them so they fall into the footwell as soon as the car moves like some kind of caveman or woman of cave?

2. Rear wing deployment – trombone sound
A rear wing that rises up from the rear deck at speed has long been a signature of the 911 Carrera, but it’s always been frustrating that, while drivers in other cars can see when your wing deploys, the person behind the Porsche wheel has no idea when and if the wing has risen to attention. Well, the 992 changes all that and we’d happily spend the extra £598 to tick the option which plays a fruity, rising trombone noise into the cabin every time the wing deploys and a falling ‘sad’ trombone sound when the wing retracts again. Essential.

3. Manual relief
Porsche purists are delighted that the 992 will be available with a manual gearbox, and they’ll be equally excited to hear that this model can be specified with a robotic arm that comes out of the dashboard and wanks you off. This is bound to be a boon on long journeys which is why we’d spend the extra £1067 on speccing it, in league with option code C422 (Porsche High Performance Tissue Box – £552).

4. Magic Eye instruments
Were you a student in the nineties? Clearly so were Porsche’s designers because, for the first time, the 911 is available with instruments that just look like mad patterns and will only reveal their readings if you stare at them for a really long time and, like, sort of de-focus your eyes a bit. Anything? Just relax and try to stare through them. See it? That’s right! The one on the left is oil pressure AND the Statue of Liberty! Some say this £3488 option is extremely dangerous but come on, have a sense of fun! No, no, you’re going cross eyed, just looks straight ahead but don’t focus too hard… Anything…? Keep trying… What about now, can you see the speed you’re doing?

5. Anneka Rice
Is it worth an extra £10,591 to have that woman who used to zoom about in a helicopter on the telly in the eighties permanently installed in the passenger seat of your new 911? We say yes! You can ask her about Kenneth Kendall and what those challenges were like and also she does painting now so there’s something else to talk about. Plus, she seems really nice.

5 options we would NOT specify on the new Porsche 911

1. Driver’s seat delete
Aimed at the hardcore 911 enthusiast, driver’s seat delete completely removes the entire driver’s seat at an extra cost of £1036. Although it might seem a good idea for track days and to show off your total commitment to driving, we’d leave this option to people with serious dedication and incredibly strong core muscles.

2. PCS (Porsche Cocaine System)
On the surface it might sound appealing to have your car constantly trying to sell you cocaine. In practise, however, this new system, adopted from the latest Cayenne, can be rather annoying as it repeatedly texts you ‘gOt some gud shit yea. msg for dtals!1!!’ while you’re trying to drive. Frankly, we’d save the £2934 this option costs and use it to buy other more worthwhile options and cocaine.

3. Engine fire
Adopted from the legendary GT3 models of the past, engine fire promises a bit of that GT-model excitement in the regular Carrera with the spectre of sudden rampant thermal incident at any moment. On balance, we would save £8128 and NOT spec this option as the practicality and usability of the regular 911 Carrera is part of its appeal, and that daily driver side of the car is severely compromised if it’s forever bursting into flames, not the mention the added inconvenience of setting fire to adjacent cars, trees, buildings, etc and the irritation of your car once again appearing on the internet as part of a story entitled “7 Porsche owners who are DEFINITELY having a worse day than you!”

4. Sat-nav voice – Sabine Schmitz
In theory it would seem well worth it to spend an extra £12,741 so you can have all your sat-nav instructions delivered by the Queen of the ‘Ring, along with additional lines such as “Come on! Drive faster!” and “What are you doing? This is shit!” However, in practise it can be distracting and even dangerous to have all your directional information shouted by an excitable German lady who seems at any moment like she might yell ‘PARTY TIME BITCHES’ and then pour a load of Jägermeister down the back of your neck like an absolute lunatic.

5. Cabriolet
There’s really no need for this at all.