New Clio promises premium interior quality, fewer rotating knives bursting out of the dashboard

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5th gen French car boasts better plastics, reduced number of fatal wounds

Renault has revealed its brand new, fifth generation Clio which, the company boasts, will offer evolutionary styling, premium-level interior quality and fewer rotating knives whirling out of the dashboard.

“We spoke extensively to buyers of the last Clio and they told us they loved the exterior style but that they hoped for a more upscale experience inside the car and also a lesser number of rotating knives flying out of the dashboard and lacerating their arms and faces,” explained lead designer Lee Dudesyner. “Obviously, some customers hoped for premium materials throughout and for the number of rotating knives to be zero, which is hard to achieve at this price point, but we’re proud that most of the major surfaces you touch are of higher quality, and that includes the blades of the two or three wildly rotating knives that remain, ready to spring from the air vents and centre console without warning”.

With evolution on the outside and revolution on the inside the order of the day, Renault says it has focussed a huge amount of design work on the dashboard which now boasts more sophisticated instruments, a high-resolution, 10-inch, tablet-style dash screen, Range Rover-like rotary heater controls, and a flush fitting cover for the compartment that suddenly and unexpectedly springs open to disgorge a large number of rats into the interior.

“We have been careful to spend time and effort on the details that really matter to customers,” outlined interior trim specialist Anne Terieur-Treemspecialeaste. “This includes the soft-feel dashboard top, the finish and texture of the main contact points, the seat fabrics, and the exact type of incredibly loud and upsetting screaming sound that comes out of the speakers at completely random intervals”.

Overall, Renault promises that the new Clio V will offer a level of high-quality detail never seen on a small car before, from the sound proofing to the number and size of the spiders that are released when you open the glovebox and from the interior colour schemes to the shape of what seems to be a blood stain that you only discover the first time you fold down the back seat.

“This is a truly premium interior experience in a small car,” boasts Lee Dudesyner. “Also, it absolutely reeks of sick”.