“I’ll shank you all,” growls insanely muscular Ghosn

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Ripped Nissan man in clink claim

Imprisoned Nissan boss Carlos Ghosn has today vowed to clear his name, if necessary by threatening people with a home-made weapon he has hidden under his mattress.

The ousted chairman has made his bold statement from his cell in Japan where he currently spends most of the day silently lifting a single dumbbell while staring menacingly at the wall.

Sources close to Ghosn say the jailed executive is confident of vanquishing those who accuse him after spending a great deal of time in the prison library where he has located several extremely heavyweight legal books which he has then put into a canvas bag so that he can repeatedly lift them in order to enhance his freakishly muscular appearance. The former Nissan boss’s legal representation will be by Big Mo, who has no formal legal training but “knows a lot of shit” and will “work for smokes”.

If the legal challenge fails, Ghosn has made it clear he will switch to an actual challenge by brandishing a crudely sharpened toothbrush handle taped to an old spoon.

However, even if the disgraced executive does clear his name, business experts in Japan say he is unlikely to return to his old position as it’s unlikely Nissan would want a non-Japanese boss again, nor someone who can’t do up the top button of a normal shirt because of his unpleasantly massive and veiny neck.