Motorsport News

F1 to “get this over with” by end of next week

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Snappy wrap up surprise for tedious 2019 season

There was surprise in motorsport today as Formula 1 bosses announced that they are to “just get this season over with” by the end of next week.

“Look, the 2019 season isn’t panning out the way we hoped,” explained Liberty spokesperson Libby T. Spokesperrson. “Mercedes winning all the time is really harshing our buzz, man. So screw it, we’re gonna get this whole damn thing wrapped up next week and move on, okay?”

Under the accelerated season plan, the next race will take place in Austria this Sunday as scheduled, but then teams will have to pack up quickly and get to the nearest port in order to arrive at Silverstone for the British Grand Prix which will happen the following afternoon. Then it’s another fast turnaround job in order to get to Hockenheim for the German GP on Tuesday and the Hungarian race on Wednesday. “Everyone’s gonna have to pack-up real fast,” Ms. Spokesperrson confirmed. “Just get those cars on those trucks, guys. Leave ‘em running if you have to. Drive ‘em there on the road if you want, but lemme remind you there’s a lot of races happening next week so look sharp”.

For efficiency’s sake, the Belgian Grand Prix will also take place in Hungary on Wednesday while the ‘Italian Grand Prix’ will take the form of a mad sprint to Budapest airport as teams and drivers attempt to make the flights that will eventually land them in Singapore in time for the race there on Friday. “Obviously there’s no time to ship the cars out,” acknowledged Spokesperrson. “That’s why everyone will compete in the rental they picked up at the airport. Get in fast guys. We hear Charles Leclerc has already reserved the last Camry. Oh, and there’s no time to close the roads properly so lemme tell ya, this is gonna get real interesting”.

Once the Singapore race is done there will be no time for further travel so the remaining races will take place there in a variety of forms spread across Saturday and Sunday of next week including Scalextric, running around the nearest park for a bit and “maybe something to do with dogs”. The Russian Grand Prix will be represented by all drivers sitting in the conference room at the hotel staring at an unadorned wall for two hours which Liberty promises will make it “more interesting than usual”.

“The main priority here is to get the damn season over with by the end of next week,” Spokesperrson re-emphasised. “Don’t care how we do it, just gotta get it done. Bing bang bong, crown Hamilton the champ again, move on with our lives, try to forget this whole sorry thing ever happened, got it?”

Despite the 2019 season unexpectedly wrapping up in Singapore by next weekend, F1’s new drive for more off-track entertainment won’t be forgotten because the city will host a special, equally accelerated gig in which Jay Kay from Jamiroquai will be asked to play all of his hits at the same time. “Don’t worry,” assured a spokesman. “You won’t notice the difference”.