Poor pace pinned on pissing about
Mercedes has admitted that its relative lack of pace in last weekend’s Austrian Grand Prix was down to the team “just dicking around with everyone”.
“For sure, conditions in Austria were tough with the heat and the speed and the kerbs and so on,” explained a team insider. “But mostly we were just dicking around with everyone.”
“Look, everything is going great, but it’s no fun if we just keep driving away from the pack so this weekend we decided to throw them a few crumbs,” our mole continued. “So, you know, we pretended that the car wasn’t working so great and then we told Lewis to do interviews in that really flat voice that makes him sound as if he’s speaking more with sorrow than anger and we reminded Valtteri to come across like a bulging balloon of suppressed emotions with just a little bit of sadness escaping from the bottom, which luckily he was doing anyway, and there you go, everyone thinks we’re having a crap weekend and sees a glimmer of hope that this won’t be a totally tedious season, just before we come back and start winning everything again”.
However, our source says the secret dicking around in Austria was not just for Formula 1 fans; it was also for key rivals. “Look, we can’t have Ferrari giving up just yet,” our man said. “We’ve got to give them just a tiny sliver of hope so that we can enjoy the look on their stupid faces when we come back and crush them and then they all start crying in the pit garage because they are weak and their leader looks like you should be trying to find him in a cartoon crowd. Mwwwaaaaaa-ha-ha-haaaaaaaaaaaaaa, etcetera”.